Dear Students,

Recently, we’ve heard concerns that AP classes are affecting student mental health. Here at CollegeBoard there’s nothing we value more than the well-being of our students. For that reason, we are introducing a brand new addition to the CollegeBoard curriculum: AAP classes. 

AAP classes will provide students a much needed break from their rigorous AP-filled schedules by providing a fresh, slightly more rigorous alternative. We’ve prepared a vast list of classes to teach students skills a little more specific and a little less applicable than those taught in traditional AP classes, such as AAP Calc L/M/N/O/P, AAP Californian History But Only After White People Got Here, AAP Memorizing The Spanish To English Dictionary, and AAP We’re All Going To Die In 30 Years, Oh Well, It Was A Good Run While It Lasted (or as it’s known officially, AAP Environmental Science). 

We are also thrilled to announce that we will be making modifications to our grading system for advanced advanced placement courses. Many students take our CollegeBoard courses exclusively for their impact on weighted GPA, and, with our new AAP classes, we’ve decided to keep proudly moving forward with that tradition. In AAP classes, a D will be a 3, a C will be a 4, a B a 5, and an A a 6. F’s will still count as failing because we at CollegeBoard believe that no student that scores below 59% deserves any extension of mercy.

Of course, this will also be followed up by a proportional increase in coursework. In the past, we’ve heard some complaints that our curriculums offer too much homework inapplicable to real life or even the (soon to be A)AP test. Truth be told, it’s gotten pretty annoying, so the CollegeBoard team has decided that we will stop offering most coursework sourced from the curriculum or the textbook. Instead, a majority of the additional homework introduced by AAP classes will take place in the form of treasure hunts. Teachers will be encouraged to create cryptic, encoded clues and offer them to students, eventually leading them to troves in which secret information about the AAP test’s format and grading will be held. We hope that a year’s worth of digging in random backyards to figure out how much the DDBQ is worth on the AAPUSH test will finally get you all to stop asking us to make more concise, directly relevant textbooks and coursework. 

By far the most repulsive accusation made against CollegeBoard we’ve suffered through, however, is that our tests serve to line our pockets more than benefit students in any meaningful academic sense. As clearly stated on our Wikipedia page, CollegeBoard is a nonprofit organization, and so there is nothing that could be more appeali–erm, appalling to us than exploiting the time and mental stability of students for monetary gain. In fact, in order to combat this slander, from here on out we will distribute free CollegeBoard merchandise at all of our testing centers. This includes T-Shirts stating “I LOVE COLLEGE BOARD” to help students show academic spirit, as well as knick knacks and pins branded with the signature CollegeBoard acorn. In addition, each section on our AAP tests will be double the length of our AP tests, including the period where test proctors are passing out pencils. This means we will be paying for twice as much time reserving the testing centers, all out of our love for our reputa–sorry, students. We meant students. 

Overall, here at CollegeBoard we are just as concerned about student mental health as you are. We also believe that the most important step in combating these challenges to mental health is providing students with more options. This is why we have taken the time to draft this letter, and create these exciting new AAP classes. Of course this doesn’t come cheap, especially with all the acorn-logoed knick knacks we’re going to be giving out in the coming years, and so in order to ensure students actually take AAP classes we have made a deal with the top 50 colleges that only students with a 5.1 or above GPA will be considered for acceptance. We apologize for the inconvenience, but even nonprofits have to profit somewhere, right?

Sincerely,
CollegeBoard