Rants:

Wedgies: The first thing that comes to mind when thinking about wedgies is the utterly blissful feeling that comes upon me after one is freshly picked. Unfortunately, I do not think it is possible for anyone to hate wedgies as much as I do. Let me tell you, the burning hatred I have for them bubbles like lava in my soul with the intensity of a thousand suns. It all began when I was five. The month of February was quickly branded as the wedgie month by my family, or “Wedguary” as my father called it. To this day, wedgies still plague me, and of course the entirety of the population that wears undergarments. How do they even happen? That honestly seems to be the real question. Sure, I understand going into a low squat or doing any sort of leg-related exercise would surely invite one, but what if I’m just sitting, or walking, or lying in bed? What unholy demon has been evoked to wreak such havoc on one’s underwear?

Snapchat Articles: With one in particular, when Beyoncé announced her pregnancy, Buzzfeed released an article listing some utterly ridiculous food names that Queen Bey should name her children. These names were pure unadulterated madness: Cookies & Cream, PB & J, and the worst of all? Bread and Butter. It leads me to ponder deeply how the naming process would occur. I thought these were Beyoncé’s twins, not Paula Deen’s. It may be blurred, but I will have you know that there is a line that should not be crossed when it comes to these articles. Buzzfeed dared to cross it in a way that was just sinful.

Leaf Blowers: Leaf blowers are easily the devil’s hairdryer. Honestly, what in tarnation are they even good for? They are loud, annoying, bad for the environment, and quite literally the worst invention of all time. All they do is move one mess from one place to another. Every time a gardener blows leaves and dust at me into the road as I drive by, one of my brain cells explodes. All the brain cells of mine that have died did not die in vain, however. They died as a symbol, an act of courage for all the brain cells that the inventor must have not had when drawing up that piece of air blowing garbage.
Raves:

Shrek: Just like onions, the world of Shrek is layered with beauty, wonder, and above all, interspecial romances. From his beautiful lime complexion, to his deep chested, Scottish voice, Shrek is a thing of pure grace. Who says ogres have to be ugly? The story itself also has an inspiring message about loving yourself, which, all jokes aside, is really important for kids as they get older. Plus, Donkey is the waffle king, and I think we all need someone like him in our lives. However, the best thing to come from Shrek, by far, are the memes and the soundtracks, which, of course, are the staples of a good movie and the films following. DreamWorks truly outdid itself when releasing this masterpiece to the world.

Crispness: Honestly, there is nothing more satisfying than when something is crisp. Cool water on a hot day, a new book, an apple, A’s outfielder Coco Crisp. The list goes on. Girls especially have come to appreciate the crispness of makeup. When I see someone with some fresh eyebrows or fleek eyeliner I can feel my soul leaving my body. Really what it comes down to though, is the word itself. Crisp. Say it to yourself here. This exquisite vocabulary is the combination of five letters to form a perfect sound in just one syllable-crisp.

Cheesecake: Have you ever wondered what it’s like to taste the Holy Spirit? Well, look no further, because that is exactly what it is like to eat cheesecake. It is just a slice of creamy goodness to fill your mouth with. Plus, there’s about a million flavors and one big and delicious restaurant named after it. The texture itself is the best part, because anything with cream cheese is bound to be smoother than jazz. Is it even possible to make a bad cheesecake? Let me answer that for you. No, it is not possible. Cheesecakes are an article of utter perfection. As a religiously dedicated pie enthusiast, generally I will condemn most cakes. However, nothing compares to the feeling of loading your taste buds with the nectar of life, cheesecake.