Picture this: you’re shopping at Target when you hear high-pitched cries nearby. You turn around to see a kid throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of the aisle because their mother isn’t letting him buy a toy. Instead of confidently disciplining her child, the mother takes her time to talk out their frustrations and explain why they can’t have the toy. In a perfect world, this solution would quickly calm the child down and everyone would move on with their lives. But more often than not, soft-talking only causes the child to make an even bigger fuss. The overall ineffectiveness of no discipline is a significant issue with gentle parenting, a new style of parenting that has grown in popularity over the past decade.
Gentle parenting is a more democratic style of parenting that places emphasis on building values such as personal advocacy, strong familial relationships, and emotional regulation. When their child misbehaves, a gentle parent would not take the dominant position and shame their child into obedience. Instead, they would reason with the child through mutual emotional reflection and calmly conveying the right thing to do. Proponents of gentle parenting warn against confusing this style with ‘permissive’ or ‘neglectful’ parenting, or allowing a child to do whatever they want without consequences. True gentle parenting favors calm guidance rather than harsh discipline. Alternatively, authoritative parenting is a common hierarchy-based style that many millennial children grew up with—easily distinguishable with phrases such as “Because I said so” and “I’m your parent, not your friend.” Psychologists believe that gentle parenting is millennials’ response to authoritative parenting, as they might have disliked the strict environment they grew up in and desired a change for their children.
Although gentle parenting sounds ideal upon first description, there are a few major drawbacks of the style. For example, all children are unique and will respond to gentle parenting differently depending on their personalities. Gentle parents on social media often present an ideal response from their child, providing no representation of a child who continuously refuses instruction. Let’s face it: children won’t always obey a calm voice. More often, a gentle attitude tells the child that the stakes of the situation are relatively low, therefore they don’t necessarily have to listen to you. While some children will respond ideally to gentle parenting, there are many others that will continue to act out whether or not their parents attempt to empathize with them.
An additional issue with gentle parenting is an increase in challenging behavior due to a lack of firm boundaries. Although harsh authoritarian parenting is disliked for its strict nature, this style allows children to understand rules and order, which are concepts crucial to everyday life. Gentle parenting may further impact a child’s social skills, as they might lack the ability to respect others personal boundaries.
There are countless social media influencers who discuss how gentle parenting works perfectly in their household, but many of these creators will only display the ideal situation where their children respond well and begin to behave. On the other hand, there are some influencers that use their content to point out the problems of the style. Instagram creator Olivia J Owen (@livjowen) posted a reel comedically displaying “millennials trying to gentle parent in public.” In the video, she chases her toddler around Costco and allows him to throw a fit on the floor while she simply waits until he is ready to get up. Although the video is satire, Owen points out a particularly annoying aspect of gentle parenting: in public, a child’s tantrum affects more than just their parents. Any bystander watching some child roll around on a Costco floor would likely be bothered by the situation—not just because of the loud noise, but because the parent is clearly not being assertive enough to calm their child down.
In some cases, gentle parenting can be a great way to raise a child with empathy, emotional connection, and patience. But there are other ways to parent your child without leaning on either extreme of gentle or authoritative. Oftentimes, the most successful parents utilize a combination of both styles to teach their child respect without being harsh. In short, don’t be the parent who lets their kid throw a tantrum in public in the name of ‘gentle parenting’. Instead, search for a disciplinary system that works for both you and your child.
